Late Night Chronicles 82: Is Someone Getting Married This Week?

Published on Facebook. About a minute ago.

I've decided that the most irritating part of the British Royal Family is living in America. I'm sure people that live full-time in Britain have their own reasons for liking or disliking the monarchy, but living in America there are times when it becomes downright irritating and I can finally understand what Tony Benn, Christopher Hitchens and the rest of the snobby anti-monarchist republicans are getting at when they complain about the Royal Family. Especially on weeks like this.

Consider Sunday night: the Missus sat down, uploaded some photos from the weekend and watched The Insider- which is essentially 'Entertainment Tonight' without Mario Lopez on a different network and the big headline story on The Insider: Kate Middleton's weight. I rolled my eyes: who cares about her weight? Every woman who's ever lived wants to look perfect in her wedding dress and Ms. Middleton is going to be wearing the most examined, picked-over, analyzed wedding dress in the history of the entire world. She may have looked like she needed a nice, big, disgustingly greasy burger from somewhere like Hardees, but I also think it's probably better to look like Natalie Portman in Black Swan for a month or so than listen to a round of snide comments about a tiny ounce of backfat that some enterprising papparazzo espies with his telephoto lens.

The irritation of this insipid news story was then compounded- not only did The Insider feel the need to talk to experts about Kate's 'scary' weight loss, but they decided the height of expertise and the people who were in the know was the cast of Dancing With The Stars.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Who gives a damn what Ralph Macchio thinks of the Royal Wedding- and I'm sorry, but talking to Kristie Alley about weight loss? Not to be mean or anything, but she's had a little bit of a time getting it right herself- and granted, she's apparently doing a heck of a job on DWTS but it was all a bit too much to stomach.

What is wrong with America when it comes to the British Royal Family? Seems like whenever anything happens with the Royal Family, everyone's brains drip out of their ears and the entire country goes all googly over them. As far as I know (and if anyone British is reading this and can contradict me, please do) there were no commemorative Princess Diana Plates available EVERY SINGLE WEEK FOR A YEAR in the Sunday paper after her death. There might have been Beanie Babies for her (the Missus owns one. I haven't told my Diana-disapproving Mother yet) but I'm pretty sure that there's no radio station in the UK offering their listeners a chance to win a special replica of Kate Middleton's engagement ring. (Yes, Z102.9, I'm looking at you. Because I'm sure the people of Eastern Iowa will jump at the chance.)

So, Hitch, Benn, all you snobby anti-monarchist republicans: I get it. There's nothing like living in America to make you despise the British Royal Family.

That said, I don't think I'd be all that bothered by them if I lived in Britain full time (which I'd like to do some day). First of all, Johnny Rotten and the Sex Pistols hit the nail on the head: 'God Save The Queen/because tourists are money.' You can whine about what a bunch of inbred pillocks a lot of them are, but they do bring in tourists. People don't go to Britain to see empty, dusty palaces of an imperial past goneby. They want to see the big furry hats and the changing of the guard. It's the tradition, the pomp, the circumstance. Granted, a lot of these tourists will be twee Americans, but money is money.

Second of all, what's the big deal? That's what baffles me- unless you're going to fundamentally change the nature of British politics and move to an American style Republic (please don't- really, you'll regret it) or a French style Republic (why would you want too?) then you're going to have a purely ceremonial head of state, who smiles, waves and opens shopping malls- all things the Queen does anyway. So if I'm getting this right, snobby anti-monarchist republicans are asking for the right to select their meaningless figurehead? For God's sake, why? I could understand if the monarchy actually had real power- but it doesn't, so it's hard for me to be upset by it.

Now, could it use some modernization? Absolutely. Time for Prince Charles to learn how to do his own laundry and put his toothpaste on his toothbrush all by himself, methinks. And in an ideal world the vast majority of Royals should be working, paying taxes and not getting a damn thing from British taxpayers. The actual Monarch might deserve a small salary of some kind for putting up with politicians like, I don't know, Tony Blair but outside of that, cut their subsidies and send the buggers to work. I've got no problem with that.

But ending history, tradition and well, institutional memory on a whim, just because the snobs of the intelligentsia want the right to pick their own meaningless figurehead seems slightly silly. Is it worthy of great debate? Absolutely- but Britons beware: the day you decide you want a President is probably the day that Tony Blair announces his political comeback- which brings to mind the words of a truly great American, HL Mencken: 'Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.'

America (apparently the epitomy of republican ideals) gets the dubious honor of selecting it's head of state every four years. And here's a little secret for Hitchens, Benn and all the rest: 50% of the time we completely fuck it up. A halfway decent President these days is usually a complete fluke.

So if you live in America, yes, the British Royal Family can be quite irritating and if it was abolished, the media might actual report something useful for once. (Who am I kidding? Of course they wouldn't.)

But if you live in Britain, the grand old institution deserves a swift, modernizing kick in the backside- and that's certainly worthy of debate, but electing your own head of state? It's overrated.

(P.S. Mazeltov to the Happy Couple. Saturday can't come soon enough.)