Frustration

I feel like a complete and total failure. I know I need to get some perspective, because I've only been at this whole 'looking for a real job' thing for about a month and there are people who've been at it a lot longer than that, but come on now! How can you not feel like a complete and total failure?

I consider it a mark of the potential of the Iowa City area that it took me three weeks to go from 7.85 an hour to 10 an hour- but now that I have ten dollars an hour, I suddenly look around and realize what an incredible stupid decision it was to leave Wal-Mart to begin with. I'm trying not to make my head explode from writing those previous words down, but it's true. And it's dumb. And I think it's just tied up to the general feeling I have that I'm just not getting anywhere fast.

And maybe you're not supposed too- I mean, perspective here: it's been a month. Flowers take longer to sprout and grow a pretty petal or two. But my mind seems to be making me thinking that I am forever doomed to crappy, menial hourly jobs. And my mind doesn't like that. It doesn't like the hours I keep either- though if today goes as quickly as yesterday did and that trend continues, I might not mind it that much. (And by 'I' I mean 'my mind') Generally speaking I need to pull my head out of my ass, take a deep breath and recognize this for what it is: the character building part of my existence. Someday, when the Missus and I have a nice house and kiddiewinks running through the yard, I'll look back on this and laugh my ass off. But for right now, its hard to see the humor in it, which is probably why I end up spending 8 hours resenting the hell out of a job that loads me down with paper, rules, scripts, things to do, things not to do and- to top it all off, keeps me from having anything resembling a life with the woman I love from Monday to Friday.

And that lies at the heart of my resentment for this call center job. It keeps me away from her. I'm a newly wed- I still have that fresh Husband smell on me and I like seeing my wife. I like spending time with her. She called me a puppy dog last night when I expressed this sentiment, but it's sort of true. But then I remember all those nights she had to work late and she came home to me without a complaint, just because she was so damn happy to see me. And I remember that not everyone ahs someone as awesome as she is and at least I get to sleep with someone in my bed.

Then she wakes up slightly and smiles at me. And everything goes away.

I don't want much right now. Just a little, tiny crumb. Some signal, even if it is a job interview for an actual real-live job- that I'm on the right track and that something can be constructed to actually make sense and make me happy and let me get a life going. Just a little tiny smoke signal would be nice. Some hope that the Hurricane Katrina of Student Loans that's creeping towards me (landfall is set for June) can be ridden out or at the very least ameliorated.

It's frustrating. I don't want it all to land on my lap (because life doesn't work that way) but I'd sure like just a little hint that I'm at least on to something, you know. That little crumb of hope would do me the world of good, me thinks.

Chins up, shoulders back, stiff upper lips.
We will PERSEVERE!