Like everyone and their mother, NY Times Columnist David Brooks has weighed in on Amy Chua's thoughts on Hardass Chinese Parenting vs. Soft And Cuddly Western Parenting and while he makes good points, he also exposes an underlying problem that is endemic in Western parenting: the tyranny of low expectations.
I do think that culturally, we do expect far too little from kids these days. My parents demanded good grades from me in high school and expected me to deliver- they even dangled a Sega Genesis in front of me as bait, but I didn't deliver- I didn't give a shit about high school because there was this nagging feeling at the back of my head that large portions of what I was learning were a complete and utter waste of time. High School- and herein lies the biggest problem confronting our education system today has become a largely social experience. Brooks lauds the importance of learning group dynamics and basics of social interactions that are important throughout anyone's life and says that, more than anything is what Amy Chua missed. Yet in a twisted contradiction, the very lack of social interactions that Brooks knocks Chua for only serves to make her point for her.
When high school becomes more about social interaction than education, we're missing something here. That's not to say that Brooks is wrong, because learning group dynamics and social interactions is important to the development of any young person and those skills have value for a person's life, but the balance between the necessary social growth and the actual education we recieve in high school has swung wildly out of joint. We seem to expect less and less from kids and from our schools because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. We put too much stock in self-esteem and it seems like- and herein lies the danger of broad cultural generalizations, namely that there are plenty of exceptions out there to what I'm saying, that we don't want to push Little Johnny or Little Janey because we're afraid of inhibiting their pursuit of self-identity and happiness.
Personally, I think self-esteem is overrated. I didn't have a single ounce of it imposed on me and had to go through two bouts of depression before I realized that I'm actually a pretty amazing guy- yet I can't say that with full egotistical certainty either. People may think I'm pretty cool, but that's still kind of news to me, you know? I turned out just fine for all the right things that white people do with their kids: give them rules structure, expectations and a good dollop of love. Would I have benefitted from some more parental prodding here and there? Yes, I think I would have- but as I'm not a meth head or in jail, I think we can call me a job well done at this point. I can function in society quite nicely.
I'm the product of a pretty good formula: rules, structure, expectations and a good dollop of love. I'm not saying it's a universal remedy, but a little mroe of any of the ingredients listed couldn't hurt. But what it really comes down to is education and it's here we find ourselves in a most unusual situation: Brooks is right. Social dynamics and learning how to work through them is an important part of growing up that Chua apparently jettisons. But Chua is equally as correct: all that froufy sleepovers in the world won't matter a damn if your kid isn't getting a solid, world-class education.
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