Late Night Chronicles 88: My Dream Vacuum

Two days ago, I found my dream vacuum. Yes, that's right, I have a dream vacuum, so don't judge! Some people dream about sports cars or cruises or vacations but for some reason, the closer I get to thirty, the more practical I find myself becoming so I have a dream vacuum. When the wife told our former roommate this, she said she wanted to be on Project Runway but that didn't mean that was going to happen anytime soon.

But although a pricey $649.99, my dream is closer to reality than hers- yes, the Dyson DC41 Animal Complete someday shall be mine! (For the record: I've always had a love-hate relationship with vacuums. Contrary to the Missus' often skeptical beliefs, I did have to vacuum growing up and I couldn't stand two piece vacuums and was happy when we tried our crappy Eureka in for an upright and pissed when Mother Cigar went out and got a two piece Miele again. I hate two piece vacuums. Such a pain in the ass to lug around- give me an upright and give me the best one around!)

My dream vacuum though got me thinking- would I, as a man, have had a favorite vacuum fifty years ago? Probably not, I'm guessing. Despite the fact that there seems to be a cultural trend for feminist scholars to write books proclaiming things like 'Who Needs Men?' and 'The End of Men' every couple of years, I'm not willing to say that my embrace of vacuums is symtomatic of a decline of my gender and I don't think it's threat to my masculinity to want a bitchin' vacuum. After all, we live in the age of the gadget and everybody I know who has a Dyson says they last and they're damn good, so why not go for the best? Makes perfect sense to me.

Or am I just living in the 'end times' of my gender? It's hard to tell these days... either it's 'The End of Men' or I'm playing 'the lowest difficulty setting' out there. Seems like the prognosticators want to have their cake and eat it too which gets kind of annoying after awhile. Either the patriarchy is alive and well or it's withering on the vine- which is it? My biggest criticism of the 'lowest difficulty setting' argument was that while generally true, it ignored the question of socio-economic status. Rich straight white males have it the easiest of all. Poor or Lower Middie Class... not so much. (But still pretty easy, I'll admit...)

As for the 'The End of Men' club, well, I think it's not so much 'the end of men' as it is the evolution of gender roles and the infantilism that the younger generation is subjected to by Baby Boomers- it's not necessarily gender that's the problem. It's a generational problem. I was raised in a two parent household by a mother who was raised by a single mom and there was no such thing as 'women's work' and marriage, so derided in some quarters is about teamwork. I don't want to be the head of anything because as far as I'm concerned, the Missus and I are in this thing together. And nuts to those people that think that means I'm some kind of an emasculated sissy for acting that way. If feminists and feminism fundamentally altered what it means to be a woman, I see no reason why men can't do the same thing- and if I'm expected to pick up a big club, smash things around and throw the wife over my shoulder and drag her back to my cave, well, thanks, but no thanks. I'll pass.

People moan about the demographics though and that's a tougher argument. Yes, men are rapidly becoming the minority on college campuses. Yes, in some quarters (though not all) men have been disproportionately hit by the recession. Yes, even as someone wrote 'Reviving Ophelia' to champion better education for girls in primary and secondary school, apparently we're in need of a 'Resucistating Hamlet' to champion the same thing for boys now.

So what's at fault? I am convinced that the institutions we depend on, like schools are in need of massive reform. Instead of medicating everyone for ADHD, why not reform the outmoded, industrial, 19th Century model of education to one that works for the high paced world of today. Damned if I know what that would look like but it doesn't seem to me that a lot of people are asking that question to begin with. That would help boys thrive.

I've got a lot living left to do but one thing I seemed to have figured out is that punctuality counts for a lot. 80% of being successful in life is just showing up. Inculcate a healthy respect for punctuality and you can go further than you think- especially in the workplace.

And for the love of mike can we start teaching kids how to function in the real world? Self-reliance and not needing to call Mommy and Daddy for every little thing would be refreshing. (I will NOT be a helicopter parent. Especially a psychotic one.) This infantilizing of the younger generation doesn't produce leaders, it produces whiners and I'm getting tired of listening to it.

Finally: it's all about the hustle. Work your hind end off- and that goes for girls as well as boys. Take any job you can get in this economy, work hard at what you've got and hit the streets until you find something better than the one you've got.

If we can do all of the above then maybe just maybe people won't make a living pigeonholing a whole gender so they can sell books, maybe we'll get better schools in the bargain and maybe just maaaaaaaaybe, you'll find yourself with 700 extra dollars so you can go out and buy your dream vacuum.