Greetings From Flyover Country

The Des Moines Register was all abuzz over some article Stephen Bloom wrote for the Atlantic Magazine entitled 'Observations from 20 Years of Iowa Life.' It's currently provoking a firestorm on the internet and, being curious, I found a link, went to the article and read it to form my own opinion.

For the record, Bloom's being slapped for:

"...Keokuk, is a depressed, crime-infested slum town. Almost every other Mississippi river town is the same; they're some of the skuzziest cities I've ever been to, and that's saying something."

and...

"Those who stay in rural Iowa are often the elderly waiting to die, those too timid (or lacking in educated) to peer around the bend for better opportunities, an assortment of waste-toids and meth addicts with pale skin and rotted teeth, or those who quixotically believe, like Little Orphan Annie, that ‘The sun’ll come out tomorrow.’"

In general, I didn't find the article all the surprising. The Atlantic seems to be called The Atlantic for a reason: it's aimed at the snotty East Coast intelligentsia, the limousine liberals and a general audience that undoubtedly thinks that Iowa is where the potatoes come from. You can't fault for the man for aiming at article square at an audience that's going to eat it up like fresh warm quinoa- and apparently it worked.

But for the rest of us, well, shit. First of all, I think there should be a rule issued to all members of the bi-coastal media elites. Anytime a Professor at the University of Iowa offers to write you an article dissecting what Iowa's really all about, just tell them no. Just turn them down flat and say 'thanks, but no thanks.' Iowa City is a horrible vantage point to draw conclusions about the way this state actually works. I grew up here and it's like living in a fishbowl. If it wasn't for Marian Coleman and her overeager war on Halloween in the early 90s (all in the name of being political correct, of course) I probably would have happily eaten up all the liberal bullshit that Iowa City has to offer and would probably be a happy granola eating supporter of President Obama (and a diehard Democrat) as a result. But Marian Coleman declared war on Halloween and it just seemed so fucking stupid to me (especially as I went to the Catholic school in town- that did celebrate Halloween. Except for the few Catholic diehards that thought it was Satan's Pagan Sex Orgy Day and made their kids read novels by Morris West and meditate on mysteries of the Rosary) that I started to wonder just what the hell liberalism had to offer, cast my first, entirely fake vote in the 1992 Kids Vote Election for H. Ross Perot and have been a die-hard independent ever since.

But my original point stands: you can't understand Iowa if you live in Iowa City. I'm not entirely sure I understand Iowa- and ironically, it took three years in Minnesota to let me wrap my head around just what exactly the Midwest was about. And I've decided it's about beer and karaoke on Saturday night. Is Professor Bloom right? Do people cling to guns and religion here? Meh. Define 'cling' and we can talk. People believe in God in Iowa- not just the Christian variety: Cedar Rapids (who dared to print on Easter Sunday HE IS RISEN on the front page of the Gazette 20 years ago when Bloom first arrived in our fair state) is the home of the Mother Mosque- the first Mosque west of the Mississippi. There's a pretty big Shriners shrine near Altoona in Des Moines and there's synagogues here and there as well. There's more variety, religiously speaking than Bloom would have you believe.

Plus, while I think it's safe to say religion is important to a lot of people here in Iowa, I'd hardly say it's a defining characteristic- no matter where you come from. And guns? Seriously- people hunt. People hunt everywhere. It's not that big of a deal unless you live in New York City and have never seen a deer and think that killing animals to eat is some kind of moral plague that must be opposed. For cryin' out loud, when faced with an overabundance of deer right here in Iowa City and faced with the choice of birth control or sharpshooters, uber-liberal, progressive, neo-socialist Iowa City went with the sharpshooters. (Because, I suspect they discovered it's damn hard to get Bambi to put a condom on.) Guns and hunting are only a big deal if you want them to be. If you think they're a sign of diminished intelligence or potential Republican voters or people who have the irrational audacity to believe in a higher power of some kind. How dare they! Don't they know the readers of The Atlantic are concerned for their well-being?

I've never been to Keokuk so I can't speak for that fair metropolis but I'll admit that Davenport might not be the most attractive city I've ever seen but here's the kicker: I've never been there. I've driven through it- but I don't know what goes down there. I don't know what the cool hangout spots are. They've got a kick-ass Art Museum there, I know that- but I'm not going to judge based on a ten minute drive through any given place. That'd be unfair. I used to think the only thing worth doing in the Twin Cities was the Mall of America. Then I lived in Minnesota and actually looked around them a little bit and wanted to reach back in time and smack my younger self upside the head for being such a dumbass.

Is Bloom wrong? Not entirely. I mean, there are some stereotypes that hold true about rural Iowa and indeed about Iowa in general- but what irritates me is that this bullshit is the kind of thing that contributes to Iowa's ongoing brain drain. There's a lot of hip, cool shit here in Iowa that should appeal to 20-somethings looking to settle down and start a life. Would it be so hard to spare a sentence out of his 9,000 words to lend a little balance? To be honest, I grew up here and I left because I thought it was a good idea at the time. But as soon as I was gone, I missed it. I missed the crappy bacon cheeseburgers they used to serve at the IMU foodcourt. I missed College Street Billiards and got misty eyed when the pep band marched in one of my first weekends back and struck up the Iowa fight song. I'll let you in on a dirty little secret: I've lived in Minnesota and Iowa and I can't picture myself living anywhere else. Upper Midwest for the win, baby!

Where Bloom really pisses me off is with this:

After years and years of in-your-face religion, I decided to give what has become an annual lecture, in which I urge my students not to bid strangers "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Easter," "Have you gotten all your Christmas shopping done?" or "Are you going to the Easter egg hunt?" Such well-wishes are not appropriate for everyone, I tell my charges gently. A cheery "Happy holidays!" will suffice. Small potatoes, I know, but did everyone have to proclaim their Christianity so loud and clear?

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea. One gutsy, red-in-the-face student told me in no uncertain terms that for the rest of her life, she would continue offering Merry Christmas and Happy Easter tidings to strangers, no matter what I, or anyone else, said, because, "That's just who I am and I'm not about to change. Ever!" Score one for sticking it to the ethnic interloper.

Jesus. Are you fucking kidding me? At this very moment Fox News is guns blazing with it's Annual Bullshit about the War on Christmas and some fancy-panted credentialed member of the Liberal Academic Elite sounds off with an elitist rant about how backwards people are out here in the Boonies and then caps it off with the above quote? Somewhere Glenn Beck just got a raging hard-on. Somewhere Bill O'Reilly's Sharia-Communist-Liberal-Gay-Somebody Hates America Radar just went 'ping' and now my holiday season gets to hear about the bullshit War on Christmas for yet another year.

Thanks a bunch, Professor.

(Another good retort is to be found here.)