The Toaster Pastry Gun Freedom Act

Yes, kids, it's a real piece of legislation. A Maryland state senator crafted the bill in response to a recent raft of high profile and frankly idiotic suspensions at public schools across the country and in particular this case:

A nationwide flurry of suspensions seemed to reach an absurd level recently when Josh Welch, a second-grader at Park Elementary School in Baltimore, Maryland, was suspended for two days because his teacher thought he shaped a strawberry, pre-baked toaster pastry into something resembling a gun

“I just kept on biting it and biting it and tore off the top of it and kind of looked like a gun,” the seven-year-old told Fox News.

“But it wasn’t,” he astutely added.

As Reason’s Hit & Run blog noted, Park Elementary School officials later offered counseling to other students who may have been traumatized by the pastry.

Yes, a second grader ate his Pop-Tart into a shape that vaguely resembled a gun and was suspended from school for two days. And to compound this farcical absurdity, the school officials offered counseling to other students who may have been traumatized by the pastry.

What. The. Fuckity. Fuck.

Seriously? Has common sense leaked out of our educational system this much? Are we targeting second graders now? Are we worried that a seven year old might somehow bring a gun to school and start mowing down his classmates in cold blood because he ate his freaking Pop Tart in a certain way?

It's sad that we know have to craft legislation to fight against this idiocy- but it's sadder that it even got to this point in the first place. Kids, I read a lot of stuff on the interwebs and I do my best to take it with a grain of salt. But when I meander through the Conservative blogosphere now and again and read the usual chest-thumping screeds about the indoctrination and piss-poor excuse for an education that happens in public schools, it usually irritates me a little bit. After all, I'm a product of public schools- reasonably well-adjusted, not-in-prison and not voting mindlessly for Progressive candidates everytime I get into the ballot box. (Reason #1,234,556,334 Why I Hate The Two Party System: Republicans think you're mentally ill/un-American if you vote for Democrats, while Democrats think you're hatful, misogynistic and bigoted if you vote for Republicans- and mentally ill if you go to Church now and again. Might be a generalization of the attitudes of both parties- but those attitudes are there which is why I usually poke my finger in both of their eyeballs and vote for someone else.)

That aside- when I read about shit like this, I have to shake my head and wonder if maybe, just maybe the public school haters of the right have a point in this case. Seven year olds can't possibly fit the profile of a potential mass shooter and in any case, it was a damn pop tart. There has to be common sense limits to zero tolerance policies that are so endemic in schools now.

By the way- the money 'graph of this article is to be found at the bottom:

The bill also includes a section mandating counseling for school officials who fail to distinguish between guns and things that resemble guns. School officials who fail to make such a distinction more than once would face discipline themselves.

One can only that the Maryland Legislature passes this brilliant piece of legislation intact. Fear The Turtle- and Go Maryland!