Stab Your Eardrums

So what I'm discovering about parenthood is that children's television is blessing and a curse.  Some programs are awesome.  Some programs not so much.  Some programs you avoid like the plague just to make sure that your child doesn't fixate on them and insist on watching them whenever and wherever possible.

The Cigarillo and I have been on a major Disney Channel kick lately- and it's probably time to double down on something like Sesame Street (I got excited when I saw that Clone Wars was on Netflix now- but he's probably a little too young for that.  I still consider it an epic win that he actually likes watching the occasional episode of Top Gear.)

Lamentably, he's not that into Jake and The Neverland Pirates- and I'll admit the first time I saw them my initial reaction was 'what the fuck is this dreck and why is it on my television?'  (You have to remember, my generation had that unbeatable Disney Channel trifecta of Chip N'Dale: Rescue Rangers, Duck Tales and Tale Spin) but after watching an episode or two, it started to grow on me.  It had all the educational aspects of Dora with none of the shrieking and it had a band.  I discovered that the two hirsuite dudes that popped up to jam out to pirate songs were actually called Sharky and Bones, and I think they might have one of the coolest jobs ever.  (DJ Lance from Yo Gabba Gabba, close second.)

What he is into, however, is The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.   It's not awful, but man, after a week of him getting so excited and jumping up and down with smiles and cries of 'Me!  Me!' (Cigarillo Speak for 'Mickey' right now.) the theme songs get old.   And some brilliant, brilliant YouTuber has looped both of them together for one hour straight.  (Enhanced Interrogators at Gitmo Take Note:  You're so wasting your time with Metallica.)





And then, one day, I tripped and fell into the heart of cartoon darkness when I left the television on Disney and something called Sofia The First came on.



First of all:  what happened to her family?  Did they get to come along with her?  Did some new aristocrats like steal her and take her away?  And a school just for royalty?  WHY?  There are so many class issues to unpack just in the first five seconds of this cartoon.

I'd like to come back to the whole 'school for royalty' notion- how many monarchies are there in Princess Sofia's world?  Isn't there a Republic somewhere in the mix?  Shouldn't some band of contrarians be raising both their middle fingers proudly at all these monarchies and saying 'screw you guys.'  Or is this just a school for cartoon versions of the Kardashians and all those rich douchebags from shows like Laguna Beach or The Hills?  

It's all very confusing and I'm just happy that The Cigarillo hasn't latched onto this one like he has Mickey Mouse because the prospect of that happening really would make me stab my eardrums.