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Dear Governor Branstad,
Well, you're back. Like a generation that saw that episode of 'Bands Reunited' on VH1 and realized that liking Kajagoogoo was no longer something to be embarassed about, the good people of Iowa have decided that everything old should be new again and in the absence of Ronald Reagen and the dubious win-loss record of Walter Mondale, they've settled on bringing you out of retirement and maybe flirting with the notion of sending you back to Terrace Hill for four more years. And if you get the Republican nomination and beat Chet Culver in the fall then, strangely enough you will have been Governor of Iowa for the majority of my lifetime. Well, the overwhelming majority anyway: so far I've had 1 British Monarch, 2 Popes, 4 British Prime Ministers, 5 U.S. Presidents and only 3 Governors of Iowa.
I'll be totally honest with you: I might- might vote for you. Maybe. You have some work to do with me first- as Republicans go, you represent that old school strain of Republicanism that is tolerable, if somewhat irritating at times. You genuinely seem to want economic development, prosperity, good schools and fiscally responsible government, which is hard to argue against. And like those mildly irritating late 80s, early 90s Republicans, you know your audience well: family values are important, to be sure, but here in Iowa no one really digs a fanatic about that stuff. We're practical people- we have more important things to worry about, like paying our bills on time or watching corn grow. I disagree with your stance on gay marriage, but I'm willing to respect the fact that unlike Mr. 'I'd Like To Lose To The Democrats Yet Again' VanDerPlaats you seem to think the Constitutional Process should matter more in settling the question. That, I give you a lot of credit for.
But I'm not writing to you today to yeckle you about gay marriage or your education plan, instead, I'm writing to you to ask you to seriously consider re-branding the state of Iowa- yet again! When I was growing up, my parents would get that wanderlust in the summer, chuck us kids in the back of the car and charge incredible distances to the west and east just to get out of the state and see America for a week or two- and eventually, we'd drive some incredible distance back home again. And it never mattered whether we returned to Iowa from the east, west, north or south, whenever we crossed the border we'd see those signs: 'IOWA: You Make Me Smile' and you know what, Governor? It actually did make me smile. Without fail, every single time, because whenever I saw that sign I knew we were getting close to home.
Not to hate on Governor Vilsack's general notion of changing our slogan or anything, but it's time for another re-design, I think. At the time, Governor Vilsack probably had a good point: 'You Make Me Smile' didn't really say a whole lot about the state and it'd been around for awhile and as the first Democratic Governor in nearly 2 decades, he probably wanted to freshen things up a bit. But 'FIELDS OF OPPORTUNITIES' Are you kidding me? First of all, there's the color: 70s style autumnal shades of green and brown and even a little bit of orange I think doesn't bode well. Do we really want to give a 70s vibe to our state? Sure, the music was good back in the day, but was the country really having a great time in the 70s? (Help me out on that score, please- it was just slightly before my time.) Second of all, there's the sentiment: fields of opportunities... it usually takes anywhere from ten to thirty seconds for the average motorist to realize that the fields of 'opportunities' look a lot like corn and soybeans. And while our state's agricultural importance shouldn't be overlooked, if we're trying to attract investment, tourism- or even just keeping young people in Iowa, corn and soybeans aren't really all that sexy and exciting. (I hate to break it to you on that score.)
Every state seems to take a different approach to their 'border signs' so it's hard to really say what we should do, should we decided to change things up a little. Minnesota is probably the fanciest I can think of, with large stone sculptures in the outline of the state and the grand old sentiment "Minnesota! Welcomes you...' greeting you at the border. (Personally,the Missus thought 'Minnesota: We Put The 'Eh' in "Eh'-Merica' would be better, but I don't think they'd find that all that funny.) Nebraska seems to take a pragmatic view of their border sign, as the one on the bridge across to Omaha looks about as old as the Interstate System itself and merely proclaims that it's the Home of Arbor Day, probably because they realize that 'Nebraska: Enjoy the Next 20 Minutes, Because It's Boring As F**k for the Four Hours After That' won't really fit all that well on a sign.
But the problem is that Iowa really isn't that fancy and pretentious- and we actually care! We can't really pretend to be sexy and uber-exciting, because again, we're really not- but we're a good, solid state with more to offer than a lot of people realize. It could be time for something new and exciting, sure- but at the same time, if everything old is new again, then I think if you're wanting your old job back it might be an idea to bring that old slogan back too: 'Iowa: You Make Me Smile' Because if you're an Iowan coming home from a long trip, then seeing that sign really does make you smile- and if you're new here, then give the state a chance, because you'll find something to make you smile.
Just a thought. Like I said, I might not even vote for you- and there's probably little to no chance you'll actually read this- but if you're the hip, retro answer to all of Iowa's problems right now, then bring that old slogan back with you. Just make sure you keep the 'Miami Vice' pastel fashion thing back in the 80s where it belongs. Pale pink just really isn't my color.
Yours sincerely,
The Late Night Chronicles Guy
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