Life is transitory. What seems like an eternity when you're 25 is going to seem like a drop in the bucket of your life when you get right down to it. Other than the deadline of debt in June, really and truly there is no hurry to finding the right career path for myself and getting a new job.
And it's not that my current job is bad, per say. It seems like every single morning, I go through this moment of schizo-insanity when I almost have a panic attack and feel like shit about my life and my job and get really bleak about the prospects for the future. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. It's about 9.15 now- so I'm going to finish this, get my laundry, sort it, maybe poke around for a job or two, work out, shower and then make my way to work. Just like I did for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday last week- and I'm still here.
It's not a bad job. It just doesn't feel like a secure job. Telemarketing is something that you either get good at, or you suck at- and at this point in my job I'm not entirely sure where I stand. People on the other side of the building at TLCA get canned daily. If you work the J. Crew account and use more than two filler words (um, uh, etc.) per call, you are terminated on the spot. And if Kaplan wants me gone for whatever reason, all they have to do is email TLCA and I'll be gone. Just like that.
Hence my apparent distaste for the job. It's not bad- it's just totally insecure- and in this economy, I think I'd feel a lot better if I had a job- even a shit one like TLCA, that was a little more secure. I also miss dealing with people- and moving around. I have a new appreciation for face-to-face interaction and give and take with people that is currently lacking at TLCA. I don't get to meet people. I don't get to move around. It's just sitting in that chair in front of the computer and dealing with phone call after phone call after phone call. I can rationalize it by saying that after all, I am helping people with their financial aid and that notion does help me when things are really bad, but when you're on a frozen lake with cracks running through it, you can't help be a bit distressed now and again.
The big ugly problem looming over all this, however, is what to do with myself. I don't want to go back to school- that would be counter-productive at this point, even if the logic of getting back into a school until the economy improves might start to gain some appeal as time goes by. But here's the little secret: I've never known what to do with myself. I am happiest with I'm writing, but writing don't pay the electric bills. And I've always been envious of people who've been able to have a good idea of where they were going and what they were going to do with themselves. Plans, five years ago when I was an undergraduate, would have been good things to have.
So, the cop thing or the Washington thing. Government jobs or police jobs. Never in my life would I have expected that 'police officer' was something that I could imagine myself doing. But now I can. With training and a little bit of good luck and hard work I can literally run my way right out of TLCA and into a job that'll pay my bills and let Ali and I start a life somewhere. That's what I want more than anything. The water is right up to my head at this point and I just want something small (I'm not greedy) that'll let me keep my head above the water and actually start something for once.
And if the Washington thing comes through, then way-hey-hey! Off to the East Coast and some public service. Public service never hurt anyone (too much) and it'd be nice to have an East Coast adventure for awhile.
But at the end of the day, life is transitory. And 60 work days at TLCA (not weekends, thank God) puts me at May 1st. I can do this job for 60 days and if I can't, well then, what hope is there for me?
In about twelve hours, I'll be home from work- and one more day will be done. 59 days will be left.
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