Originally published on Facebook- November 24, 2009
It took me about two weeks to do it, but I managed to talk myself into going to see '2012.' Lately, either through fiscal prudence or advancing age and wisdom, I find myself seeing movies that I would like to see at some point in time- but am just not sure whether they would be worth the trip to the cinema to actually go and see them. The fact that '2012' was about the world ending in 2012, a Roland Emmerich film and had all the ridiculous special effects imaginable convinced me that this, like Emmerich's previous film 'The Day After Tomorrow' or 'How I Became Complicit In Hollywood's Denigration of Good Science', would irritate me greatly.
Yet, one dark and dreary afternoon, unable to sleep and with the remnants of some cash money in my pocket and the wife at work, I decided to bite the bullet and go to a movie. I toyed with the idea of maybe going to see 'New Moon' but I knew that would reduce me to incoherent rage very quickly- and besides, I want to actually read one of the 'Twilight' books before I make fun of them. (So stay tuned, I don't imagine it's gonna take me long.) So that left 2012. Reluctantly, convinced that this was going to be a truly excremental movie, I got a ticket, found a seat, sat down-
And for the next two and a half hours, was somewhat pleasantly surprised. There's a genre that anyone who's watched movies in the past 30 years or so has to be aware of: that of the cheesy, overblown disaster movie. Whether such classics as 'The Towering Inferno' or 'The Poseidon Adventure' or more recent entries like 'Armageddon', 'Deep Impact', 'Volcano' and 'The Day After Tomorrow' such movies are rare in the fact that they manage to be totally ridiculous and immensely entertaining all at the same time! I was astonished to find that Emmerich's latest effort is a worthy addition to the genre. It was certainly less ridiculous than some, entertaining and kept me paying attention. It did, as all these movies do have some laughable flaws- which I'll deal with below:
OK, kids-- if you want to see '2012' and don't mind me spoiling what will turn out to be a totally predictable movie- STOP READING NOW. (LOL, as if anyone reads these things! Who am I kidding?)
Basically, neutrinos, previously harmless particles that pass through matter undisturbed start impacting the Earth (why, I don't know- presumably to advance the plot)-- this, unfortunately heats up the Earth's core, which our Heroic Young Scientist figures out will cause a pole shift and crustal displacement (where landmasses move around in a big-ass hurry.) Science wise, this is a little bit more grounded in reality than 'The Day After Tomorrow' was... there is evidence that rapid pole shift happened, but about 800 million years ago. Since then, it's tended to shift at about a degree a year.
Chronologically, this doesn't happen in a week (yay for Emmerich!) but over the course of a couple of years- so the G8 has time to plan for the end of the world. In doing so, the rich countries get together, find a valley in China and start building massive arks to house whatever they can save of humanity. They start quietly collecting artworks and other important cultural artifacts to preserve (killing anyone that puts two and two together, by the way...) and of course, capitalist countries being capitalist countries, they sell seats on these arks at 1 billion Euros a pop, thus ensuring the survival of the super-rich of the world. (Unfortunately, I think Emmerich is on firmer ground here- one would think that if the shit jumped off, they'd want to save as many people as possible, but capitalism makes fools of us all.)
Fast forward to the fateful year (this is where it gets a little ridiculous) and the usual tropes ensue. There's a divorced couple, resentful kids, (one of whom still wets the bed) a StepDad who is rich and therefore unlikable, despite being the only with flying abilities. To make it short: Divorced Dad gets Mom, StepDad and kids out of California just in time to watch it slide into the sea. They go to Yellowstone to find conspiracy nutjob Woody Harrelson, who has figured out where the secret arks are (China) and get out of there just ahead of the eruption of the Yellowstone Supervolcano. From there, they end up in what's left of Las Vegas, find a rich Russian, a cargo plane and get out of Las Vegas just ahead of a toxic ash cloud. (These people are damn lucky, huh?)
Finally though, it looks as if their luck has run out and they might have to make a water-landing far short of their destination in China. (Hawaii's gone, so they can't refuel.) But-- and here's where I about died laughing- thanks to the magic of pole shift and crust displacement, the land has shifted beneath them and somehow they're right over CHINA! (OMG! WTF?) The usual tropes are scattered throughout the rest of the plot- tearful goodbyes to parents, loved ones- useless characters are excised/killed- and this being a Roland Emmerich movie, the White House is destroyed. This time by the USS John Kennedy being slammed into it by a giant tidal wave.
All in all- ridiculous! But strangely fun. Emmerich is to be congratulated for redeeming the horror that was 'The Day After Tomorrow' and replacing it with something that at the end of the movie was not half-bad. If, as some rumors I've seen suggest, he is in fact saying goodbye once and for all to the genre of 'cheesy disaster movie' then what better way to do so than by 'going big or going home.' The end of the world, of course being the ultimate disaster. The question of why Emmerich insists on destroying the White House in a lot of his movies in an interesting one you could probably write a whole 'nother note on if you wanted to do so. I, however, don't...
As the tidal waves recede, the day is saved and our heroes float away into a brave new world waiting for them in Africa (hey, that's where human beings came from to begin with isn't it? Weeeeeeeeeird symbolism)- Mom, Divorced Dad and kids are now one big happy family again- and guess what? Little Daughter no longer wets the bed!
The moral of 2012 apparently being that the Apocalypse can cure bed-wetting. Sweet.
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