Vindication For Bobbleheads Everywhere

'White Americans' heads are getting bigger --literally, study shows' read the headline on MSNBC.com. VINDICATION! I can't help but feel a little bit of nostalgia as I realize that my position as the (usually) biggest noggin in the room comes under threat from the natural progression of head sizes, I guess. It's been a burden and a curse throughout various point of my life- until I realized that I was usually smarter than the people who wanted to make fun of the size of my head and I grew to enjoy rubbing their noses in it and cultivated an appearance of omnipotence that even I have to admit, I don't usually deserve.

Assholes always liked to ask me what my hat size was. I've been Airhead, Basketball Head, Melon and just Head for various time periods. I've got to admit, the size of my head made it hard to fit in and growing up sometimes all you want to do is fit in. It's something I struggled with for awhile and I watched while some people changed their entire lives in a vain attempt to be one of the in-crowd only to have the in-crowd shun them and treat them exactly the same way they did before. I decided to drop all pretense of 'if you can't beat them, join them' and go with 'if you can't beat 'em, fuck 'em.' And I've made friendships that have lasted to this day and I like to think I'm happier for it.

Maybe the advantage of all these heads getting bigger is that there will finally baseball hats in my size. The Missus has managed to procure me one- and you know what size it is? KING SIZE. That's right... and I enjoy wearing it and I'd like to add to my collection. So grow, heads of white America. I have seen the future- and it looks like this: